![]() Or, you know, maybe she heard about Breaking Bad and really wanted to catch up. Kate has a unique perspective because she used to be Amish, but some horrible event caused her to leave the community. I’m not sure what causes a filmmaker to think “you know what shows toughness? Fleeing.” Anyway, this is Kate Berkholder (Neve Campbell, answering that question no one’s asking, “Hey, whatever happened to Neve Campbell?”), the brand new chief of police of a community that includes both Amish and English (that’s the adorable word the Amish use for people who don’t look like Abe Lincoln). ![]() The film introduces our heroine the way all assertive-yet-damaged female cops meet their audiences: through jogging. So with those cases in mind and a passing familiarity with Amish culture, I dove right in. I was amused by the Amish beard cutting attacks, mostly because if you need a specific kind of facial hair to get into the afterlife, chances are your religion is ridiculous. I was morbidly fascinated by the gory tale of Edward Gingerich, who murdered his wife in a turn of events that could advertise for the importance of a well-ventilated workspace. Because of my love of true crime and the Amish people (which probably owes its genesis to Witness, when Han Solo banged Maverick’s girlfriend in order to save the drug lord from Brick, but it’s possible I’m misremembering), I take a special interest in stories about the Amish and crime. I’m kicking things off with 2013’s An Amish Murder, a title containing two of my favorite nouns. ![]() I’m basically doing whatever JJ Abrams thought up while on the crapper. There’s as much of a guiding hand in this process as there are in any of television’s great mystery shows. ![]() If you’re in the mood to be charitable, you can say that Afterschool Specials were aimed at children, Blossom aimed at teens, and Lifetime movies are for adults, so I’m slowly hobbling through that Shakespeare riddle or something. Well, I’m all out of terrible gag gift DVDs, so I was left to turn to the one place where reliably empty television purports to teach lessons: the Lifetime network. This began with my twenty-six part series on ABC Afterschool Specials and continued through my ten part journey through a collection of very special episodes of Blossom. As both of my readers are aware, one of the central goals of this blog is extracting meaning from meaningless bits of pop culture, like a mosquito greedily sucking on the desiccated remains of Imhotep. ![]()
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